How To Set A Boundary
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in coaching, it’s that we have many feelings around the word "boundaries”! Rightfully so, too. They are one of the hardest things we do. As children, many of us were not taught boundaries within our homes. Consequently, as adults, we find ourselves unsure of what boundaries are and how to establish them. Regardless, if you’re not good at creating them (yet!) don’t beat yourself up! It's truly a muscle we build over time.
Here’s what you need to know, boundaries are just requests. That’s it! They simply teach people how we want to be treated. It’s how we take care of ourselves, and keep ourselves safe. When we do this work not only does it support our mental and emotional health, but our physical health as well. It’s actually our job to speak our needs, by the way! We can’t expect others to know our boundaries and meet our needs unless we teach them.
Ultimately, it’s a generous act for all involved. It honors you and it gives the other person a roadmap so they know where to step as well. So let’s talk about how we do this…
Know Thyself
In order to set boundaries we must know our feelings, values, and beliefs. What is okay with us and what is not? Without this information how will we know if someone is offending us or crossing the line? Also, without this clarity our messages can lack consistency which means we’re always shifting our position.
One way to do this is to write a list of who you are, everything you can think of. Exa. “I am a woman, I’m 35, I love music and Indian food. I like to go to bed early, I am recharged with a lot of alone time, I am compassionate, etc.” Write the negative stuff too (i.e. I feel anxiety), just don’t get attached to it. (Remember it’s just a part of you not the whole you.) The goal here is that you know who you are and have a clear sense of the whole you.
Love Thyself
Without accepting and valuing who we are we may not even feel the need to defend and protect ourselves. This is especially true growing up in toxic families where we forget or may not even know that we are worth protecting. To create a boundary we want to cultivate a healthy self esteem. For some of us this is a lifelong process and this is perfect. We don’t have to be fully “there”, but being on the path is important. By the way, creating a boundary actually builds our self worth!
A way to do this is writing down all of the positive things you do each day. The big and the little (“I opened a door at the market for a little ol lady” - good, write it down). Also write down all positive feedback in whatever way it comes in. It could be from your kids, partner, neighbor, boss, the checker at the grocery. It all matters! So often we brush off the goodness we create and receive. But when we write it all down we let it land and often realize there's more than we thought!
Feel Thyself
When we are connected to our emotions and our bodies we are also aware of how we feel. This is how we become clear that a boundary has been crossed. Again, it’s simple. You just need to know “does this feel good or bad?” If it’s bad, get to know it. Journal on it (love this practice!), think about it on a walk, talk to someone. Ask yourself “Was that appropriate? Was my line crossed?” When you know it, you can speak it.
Setting the Boundary
Get clear on how you want to be treated instead. What is your request? Break down the moment and identify why it upset you. Then get clear on what you need and want. Keep it simple. Write it down if you need to.
Practice. Practice speaking it. Say it to yourself in the mirror or to someone you trust. (But make sure to tell them you aren’t looking for their input, just needing them to hold space for you.)
Set yourself beforehand. Get calm, centered, and grounded. Meditate for 5 minutes, take deep breaths (4/7/8 breath is awesome), take a 5 minute walk.
Be mindful of space and time for both parties.
Communicate your need. -Keep it short and to the point. When we go on and on we tend to lose people and our point is watered down.-Be crystal clear. -Be firm but not defensive, just matter of fact. -Do NOT apologize - remember you are doing nothing wrong.
Two examples:
Your coworker Jon makes a joke at your expense in a meeting. “Hey Jon, that joke made me uncomfortable and it’s not how I want to present myself in front of coworkers, can you please not do that again.”
Although you've asked her to stop, your Mom calls repeatedly at 5pm when you’re helping the kids with homework. “Mom, at 5pm I’m helping the kids with homework. Schedules are very important in order to be in bed on time. So know that in the future I won’t be able to pick up the phone during this time.” And then don’t.
Three Important Notes:
When we’re solid in our beliefs people don’t push back. When we’re not, they will. It’s an energy and people feel it.
Notice the inflection in your voice. When our voice rises up at the end it’s an indication that we are unsure. This speaks to the above. Additionally, the other person's nervous system picks up on this which they may interpret as unsafe and go into a heightened fight or flight mode, not supportive energy to the outcome you seek.
“No” and “I can’t” are complete sentences and boundaries! So is hanging up a phone (“I’m hanging up the phone now, Sis!”) or just simply walking away.
Bottom line, boundaries are healthy and essential. They are not mean or cruel and they do not mean confrontation. But they are necessary to protect ourselves and they teach others what is okay for us. This takes time and practice, so be gentle on yourself as you learn. Know that it's a muscle that gets stronger the more you do it. Most importantly, we have a right to have our needs met. Every single one of us. Period.