How To Work With Triggers During The Holidays
Happy Holidays! How are you holding up this time of year? For many of us it includes less sleep, increased stress, and interactions with people we don’t normally see. It’s a perfect recipe for those tricky buggers we call triggers! Although triggers appear all year long this time of the year it seems we’re especially prone to experiencing them.
I’ve got you though! Today I’m sharing simple steps that can be done immediately and easily so that you can move through difficult moments more quickly and actually benefit from having them. I speak with firsthand experience here!
What Is A Trigger?
The word “trigger” is often misused in our current culture, portrayed as something external that is done to us, versus acknowledging that it’s actually our own “stuff.” So let’s get clear. A trigger is when we have a physical (heart racing, lump in throat) or emotional (anger, hurt) response within ourselves in response to something said or done by someone or something outside of us. This external action brings up unrealized, suppressed, unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves, resulting in a reaction from us (either internally or externally).
While it’s true that these experiences can feel awful, they are actually gifts that illuminate hidden wounds causing us to suffer. By seeing them as opportunities to address these issues, they ultimately become incredibly liberating and freeing. This process invites consistently healthier, happier, and more emotionally balanced forms of self.
Where Do Triggers Come From?
Surprisingly most triggers trace back to beliefs formed from ages 0 to 6! Carl Jung says the average age many of our beliefs are formed is 3. So this means as adults, we are unconsciously operating based on beliefs we developed at the age of 3, before we had discernment, understanding and fully formed brains! So our job now is to update our belief system reflecting our true selves today.
Unhealthy Way We Handle Triggers
Because they’re very uncomfortable, we often seek relief by reaching out to a friend or family member and share or complain about it, subconsciously seeking validation of our feelings. With this validation we temporarily suppress the underlying belief…until the next event triggers it once again. It's important to remember that things don’t happen to us, they happen for us. Always.
That said, there are times where being upset is valid. The distinction arises when it’s a pattern or something you’re still talking/thinking about days or weeks later. If so, it’s most likely a trigger, and this is how to “work” with them…
First Four Steps: Calm In The Immediate
Acknowledge you’re out of sorts and resist defensiveness.
Take some slow deep breaths, closing the eyes if that feels safe. Feel your feet on the ground. Try tapping your K-27 points to release endorphins.
Remind yourself of who you are today. “ I’m Tracy. I’m 51 years old. It’s 2023. I’m married, I live in Atlanta.” Root yourself in the present moment.
Soothe yourself. Find a phrase that makes you feel calm and more peaceful. “I am safe.” “I love myself.” “I have value.” as examples. Say this slowly, and feel it in your body. Breathe, remind yourself who you are, and repeat the phrase until your heart rate slows down and you feel calmer.
The Final Six Steps: Understanding What Is Going On
Identify the feeling from the event. “When ___ said this, it made me feel like they didn’t want me there.” Remember, the accurate feeling is usually the very first thought that pops into our heads.
Then identify the root belief. The surface feeling is a great place to start. “I feel angry.” Great, dig deeper, what’s under that? “I feel hurt.” Keep going, “I feel unwanted.” It could even lead to “I’ve always felt unwanted.”
Allow that belief to run through you. Don’t fight it, go through the pain, feel it. This is where we have to be brave. But know that feelings want to be seen and ultimately the only way past them is to go through them.
Get clear on what is true today. Am I really 100% unwanted in this lifetime? "Well, my sister is happy I'm here." Or it might be "My kids tell me they love me." "My neighbors care." Or it might be your pet is always happy to see you and this is GREAT. It’s about getting clear on what is a 100% fact today.
Feel the truth. Repeat it the truth, and feel it in your body. “I do matter to others.” “I am valued.” Say it over and over and feel it until you start noticing something inside shift. Do it everyday if needed. (2 minute daily mirror affirmations are scientifically proven to shift neural pathways.)
Then give yourself a hug. You just worked the trigger! It may come up again, or it might not. If it does it may be less active and now you know how to work through it!
A Few Final Tips:
-With others around completing all steps may not be possible. So if needed, shelf the second part for later but give yourself a minute to work the first part. Go to a bathroom or step outside. Increased oxygen from fresh air is believed to impact levels of released serotonin, reducing stress and anxiety.
-Later, when revisiting the experience, journaling is an excellent way to process the second set of steps. Allow yourself plenty of time. The sooner this can be done the more impactful and effective it can be.
This isn't easy work but it becomes easier and quicker with practice, and I promise that the honor and strength residing here is the energy that helps heal us. This work is the essence of self care and self love. We are better for ourselves and for all of those around us.
Most importantly, it is our birthright to feel good, to know our value, and to feel our own love each and every day.